Help

So this morning was definitely a anxiety attack, my forth one since the year started, and on the way home from the psychiatrist I knew just the paid help and my own methods were no longer enough to help get me through this. I need to be open about my problems and I need to throw out my hand in hopes of being pulled out.

So yes, I need help.

Part of the reason I never wanted to ask was because it felt like all I'd be after was peoples sympathy and that it looked as though I wanted to be the center of their attention. I don't want that to be the case but if you feel it would be then it's okay. But if you're genuinely wanting to help, and believe me I would do what I could to repay you, then please continue on.

I think perhaps the best place to start is to describe my attacks and admit to the scars. Right now I have three along my right wrist (vertical not horizontal) all from my first three anxiety attacks. Before I get into them I just want to say I don't blame anyone for these, these scars and attacks are from my own mishandlings of things. This is why I'm also reaching out because, clearly, I can no longer do this by myself.

-Failing Katie

Obviously this was a big one when I essentially cheated on my relationship with Katie twice inside of a month. Cheating on her sexually and then cheating on the very notion of what she felt our relationship was. Trust and strength. As some of you know I hired a dominatrix toward the end of December, again not her fault, but I took things too far. I didn't put my relationship with Katie above any of the orders that were given and so I made her feel like she had failed me. She didn't, she really, really didn't and I wish she would stop blaming herself. I was the screw up, I did nothing that could be seen as helpful.

-Jami's death & losing my friends

This was probably bigger given it was my other two anxiety attacks right on top of the other. It wasn't so much losing Jami, though I do miss her daily, it was the proof that I truly had no one in my life. No one aside from Dani because I know people knew about my close relationship to Jami and no one said anything. Looking back I know people at the time were grieving themselves so to say “what about me?” sounds incredibly selfish but it really made me feel as though I was nothing in their world at the time. Thinking more about it at the time, it was also a clear cut sign that I wasn't in the okay with coming out as dating Dani. I love her and there's nothing that would stop me from continuing that but the reaction was different than what I expected. It wasn't yelling, it was silence, and the silence was never felt more there than when I was forced to grieve alone.

So, from this, I feel I have two mental disorders going on up there. Social anxiety and depression. I know my submissive side can be seen as a problem in some areas but I don't feel it's too out of control that I'd need help with it.

My social anxiety comes from, obviously, my need to be in constant contact with people. I need to know I'm doing alright by them because I seriously get worried thinking people are hating me or wondering why they're even a friend with a sex store owning pervert. Someone who gives up in life and hates herself for it in such a way that it creates the spiral of depression. In short, more often than not, I tend to feel like a failure. A failure to myself, a failure to Dani, a failure to those I want to consider my friends.

I don't truly know the source of my social anxiety but I feel I know where a part of my depression stems from. That being, in a way, losing my sister. She's not dead she was just...brainwashed to have everything erased. That includes her family. She's fine now, she has people looking out after her and she's accepted her new life. I just wish, in some capacity, I could be a part of it. But if she doesn't want me then who am I to try and force myself back in?

I'm going to stop this soon but I do want to say I am seeking help and I can definitely understand how people could look at this and say “no” because it's coming across as a lot of whining and complaining. For that I apologize. I'm trying.